Can't Say I Didn't Try
by CringeWorthy
Summary: One shot from episode 9x24. 2nd person POV centering on how Callie handles the confrontation she had with Arizona. Rated T for minor cussing.


**Spoilers for episode 9x24.**

* * *

It's a pivotal moment in time where it seems like everything has come to a complete standstill and yet, at the same time, it feels like everything is rushing past you. As if everyone is in a hurry to get somewhere and everything is just moving so quickly that it loses its substance and is suddenly nothing more than a blur. And yet, you're standing there and it feels like you have ice running through your veins and everything feels too _still_.

Outside of the room, the world is continuing to move at its normal pace. You know this; you know it's a solid fact. You know that if you could move your feet; could actually feel any of your limbs let alone make them move, and walked out that door you would see the hospital and its inhabitants continuing with their lives. But you aren't outside of this room and the ice water like substance that seems to have overtaken your body has got you cruelly rooted to the floor.

You can't help the tears that are welling in your eyes as you stare dumbstruck at Arizona. And you certainly can't help but hurt just a little more because some part of your brain refuses to acknowledge the pieces of the puzzle sliding into place, unable to see the picture that is now blatantly staring you right in the face. That same part of your brain that can't grasp the fact that your wife has sought the embrace of another, can only see the beautiful and silky blonde hair; the bright blue eyes that you've spent hours, maybe even days, trying to describe correctly and even to this day haven't quite nailed; the dimpled smile that pulled you into it like a tractor beam and sent swarms of butterflies loose in your stomach.

Staring at her through the sheen of tears coating your eyes, you hate how damn beautiful she still looks. How you can't decide if your heart is beating triple time because it's always done that when you look at her or because it's only now that the situation is starting to sink in. You're pretty sure it's the latter because it feels like everything is suddenly arranged how it was meant to and that last part of your mind that couldn't quite fathom your wife being with someone else now sees the puzzle picture it was so stubbornly refusing to see.

It hurts, probably more than anything has ever hurt. Probably more than flying through a car windshield and definitely more than having to regain what damage your brain surgery had done. It's like the equivalent of losing a hundred Mark's and George's and you aren't quite sure why they're your scale of pain measurement but they played such an integral part in your life and now they aren't here and it feels strangely _right_ to use them to show just how much it all hurts right now.

"I-I thought we were past the hard stuff. I thought-I thought we were finally _good._" The words are tumbling from your mouth because even though you can now see clearly and wholly that your wife, the woman you thought was the love of your life (the _one_) has cheated on you, you can't really understand why this is happening.

"We were. We _are_." You aren't really sure who she's trying to convince with those words but it isn't the least bit comforting either way.

Arizona is fighting back her tears but all you see is a cheater and someone who was too much of a coward to confront you with whatever the Hell has been going on with her. She says the words like just the mere act of saying them means everything is fine, but it's not and you feel like that ice cold water that's been running through your veins and pumping from your overworked heart has suddenly been swapped with molten lava and the pain is being masked and transformed into red hot anger.

Being angry hurts so much less, so you decide to embrace that, welcoming the fire that's threatening to eat through your organs and flesh. You would take the red hot fire over the ice cold water because at least now you can feel your limbs and you don't feel as though someone has super glued you to the floor.

"We're married!" You shout them at her like it can clear whatever fog or delusion she's surrounded herself in but instead it sounds eerily like an accusation. 'We're married' should never sound like that; the words are meant to be joyous and a sign of something strong, they are supposed to fill a person with warmth but instead of warmth it's left a bitter taste in your mouth. Marriage unites but right now, it feels like a weapon.

"I know!" And you can't help but wonder if she really knows this because if she did, why would she cheat? Why would she so willingly take the heart you had so wordlessly given her and crush it to dust?

"We-We have a child!" At first, you could only see the ripples that started at the center. You saw the rock drop into the water and noticed the first few ripples that knocked you off kilter and pulled you under and now you're starting to see just how far those ripples go. It's not just you that's being pulled under. No, now Sophia's been hit with the ripples and she's pulled under too; floundering in the water beside you.

"I know!" Arizona puts some real emotion into that one, her voice sounding angry at the thought that you would even contemplate her forgetting about Sophia and how she plays into things.

"How could you do this?" Nothing makes sense anymore and there's no hiding the desperation that's lacing the words tumbling from your lips. Your hands are rubbing your face, tears spilling from your eyes, and you just can't understand why she's decided to do this _now_.

Questions are forming inside of your head and you can't answer a single one.

You hate that feeling.

"I-I-I don't know." Those three words have never meant so little to you; have never held such little substance until this very moment.

"After all that's happened this year. Everything we've been through. Everything we've survived. The bankruptcy, Mark, the plane-" It feels crazy, so far beyond unfathomable, to believe that you've both worked through so much and fought so damn hard to make it through the rough patches only to come undone after its supposed to be smooth sailing.

"You weren't on the plane, Callie!" Arizona's eyes have that spark lit behind them now and you feel stupid for noticing that at a time like this but it's really hard to miss despite the fact that she's screaming at you like the sheer volume of her words will help them sink in. And maybe it's that spark or the screaming, but you can only stare dumbstruck as she continues on. "You weren't in the woods and you did _not_ hear Meredith crying for Lexie, Mark moaning in pain or me screaming in pain. You weren't there and you keep acting like you were but you weren't and it wasn't your experience."

Never once through everything, had you thought that was your experience but that crash didn't just change her life. Just like her affair, that crash had a ripple that reached out and touched everyone. Maybe not in the same way but it didn't leave anyone unscathed. You weren't there but you won't be treated as if you didn't have your life changed by that accident. Your best friend and father to your child is _gone_. The woman you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with damn near _died_. "I lost Mark, you almost _died_, you-"

"I lost Mark, you almost died," the words are flung back at you like they're inconsequential and a stupid retort. As though losing your best friend and nearly losing your wife isn't at all important in this equation. "**You weren't on the freaking plane!**"

You never claimed to have been.

"**You wanted the street cred, the badge of honor, the warrior wounds; then great! Stick out your leg and I will go grab a bone saw and let's even the score!**" She's screaming at you and you can feel the pent up emotion she's been hiding for who knows how long suddenly rearing its ugly head. You've seen a lot of things in her eyes and you had hoped to never see them again, but blazing behind the anger and hurt in those deep blue eyes is resentment.

Hate.

And you're too gob smacked from the emotion and venom dripping from her words that you can't even _begin_ to fully comprehend what she's just said.

"_Oh_," Arizona says it quietly, like she's just realized what she's said and what it means. And if you weren't in emotional overload, you would think it's funny that you're both still somewhat in sync because just as she realizes what she's said and what it means, you reach the same conclusion.

"God, it always comes back to the leg," you feel like a fool for thinking you had moved beyond this. Months of her hateful stare, scathing words and barbs; months of sleeping in your dead best friend's apartment, crying yourself to sleep, taking care of Sophia, working and trying to help someone who needs it but refuses to accept it. You took everything she dealt you because she's your wife and when she hurts, you hurt. But she never really got past it, did she? It was put on the back burner where it simmered in repressed hatred until it boiled over and stained everything it touched.

"I trusted you more than anybody, more than _anyone_ in my life and you decided to cut it off," Arizona sounds weak and broken and that tiny bit of your heart that wasn't crushed into oblivion shatters completely. The hurt is everywhere, yet, you're not going to just sit back and take the hits anymore. She wasn't the only victim in this and you are not going to have everything placed onto your lap.

"**To save your life!**" Why doesn't she get that? Doesn't she understand that it was the hardest fucking thing you've ever had to do? The hardest and easiest decision you've ever made?

It's always seemed obvious that you would always choose her; above everything and anything, you would always choose her. This was no different.

Was she expecting you to just sit by while she died of an infection and left you alone with a dead wife, a dead best friend and a daughter who was losing both her mother and father all in one go? Are you selfish for wanting her to _live_?

It's all so overwhelming and completely repetitive because everything is suddenly coming full circle. This isn't a new fight; you both have gone over and over this and maybe neither of you will understand completely how the other feels.

Arizona wanted her leg and you just wanted your wife to live. You chose to amputate and keep her alive and she hates you for it.

"**You didn't lose **_**anything**_**!** _I did!_ I did." The look in Arizona's eyes shows that she really does believe that. The blonde before you, the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, thinks you haven't lost anything. She thinks you've walked through the fire and come out the other side completely healthy and untouched.

She couldn't be more wrong.

"Apparently, I lost you."

The fire that was eating through your stomach and boiling your blood is gone in an instant but your body feels heavy and if you thought time was standing still before, you couldn't have been more wrong. Because you're staring at her like it's the last time you'll ever see her and it feels like even the world outside of the room has come to a complete standstill.

If you're heart was still in your chest, if it was still inhabiting the gaping wound in your chest cavity, you are absolutely, positively certain that it would have dropped down to your stomach as the floor swallowed you up. But as it stands, your fragile heart no long occupies your body and it lays bloody and beaten on the floor at Arizona's feet.

You married a good man in a storm but somewhere along the way, that storm swept her up and took a part of her that may never come back. And now all you're left with is a storm that has rained down acid on every aspect of your life and left it in one chaotic, ruined and disastrous mess.

Nothing really looks salvageable anymore.

Your marriage will never work because she believes you've broken her trust and in retaliation, she slept with another woman so your trust in her was broken too.

Your family was torn apart before but you thought it mended itself after everything you and Arizona went through. Now, you can clearly see the duct tape that flimsily holds it all together instead of the sutures that had mend it before.

Your heart, well, you aren't really sure what will happen with it. It seems like the beating, throbbing, life-giving muscle is the last thing you should be worrying about right now.

Not when the wounds you had thought healed have had their scabs pulled off and salt poured into them and a hot poker jabbed into it. There are bleeders everywhere right now and your blood isn't clotting and it continues to flow freely and unrestricted for your veins; as though your body is purging itself of the liquid.

The world has shifted and the floor that so solidly kept you grounded had dropped out from beneath you and nothing seems certain anymore.

But there's something about how Arizona is looking at you, and you're pretty sure you have the same look on your face, that makes you feel like there's _so much_ finality that hasn't been said. Like by acknowledging everything, you've signed the death warrant on your relationship.

Maybe you have.

Because Arizona decided to board that plane.

And that shoddy plane crashed.

And it ripped Mark and Lexie away.

And Arizona lost a leg.

And you lost Arizona.

And as your feet drag you towards the door, you hate that you kinda wish that Alex had gotten on that plane and not Arizona because maybe, you would still have your wife and marriage. Some part of your life that the crash didn't ruin.

But as soon as you wish it, you wipe it from your mind.

With your hand on the doorknob, you can hear her soft sobs behind you and you want so badly to turn around and wrap your arms around her and make all the pain and hate vanish. But you can't.

You brought this on yourself when you decided to selfishly keep your wife alive. You've endured it all and only wished your wife would somehow make her way back to you but she's lost. Lost to herself, lost to you; swallowed up in the storm and you can't reach her.

You can't walk through the fire, no matter how badly you want to, and you can't save her. Can't nurse her back to health.

So as much as the bleeders inside you hurt, as painful as the hollow spot in your chest is, you twist the door handle and walk out the door and into the world that continues to move around you.

And while they move about, blissfully unaware of how quickly your life has crumbled before you, you let their movement provide what comfort it can and pray that everything will somehow work out in the end.

Because even though everything is a complete mess and there are so many things that are uncertain you know there are four things that you know for certain.

You fought.

You loved.

You lost.

But when all is said and done, in the end, you will walk tall.


End file.
